


Love Me Hard, Love Me True

by Nisaki



Series: Wincest Love week 2017 [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Sam, Canon Compliant, First Time, Love Confessions, M/M, Top Dean Winchester, kinda fix it, set in season 5 somewhere after The End
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-10-12 23:29:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20572715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nisaki/pseuds/Nisaki
Summary: Sam lets Dean use him until he has nothing to give anymore. The breakdown is ugly, but something both of them need.





	Love Me Hard, Love Me True

**Author's Note:**

> originally written as day 7 for Wincest love week 2017.

Apart from the time he spent with Jess, he'd always slept alone in bed, he was used to being alone in bed, cold sheets and meaningless blankets that never warmed him up. But he'd never slept alone in a room. Sure, he'd spent a night in a room for one, but he'd never _slept_. Not surrounded by the silence that's meant to be filled by someone else's breath, not with the other bed empty when it's supposed to be occupied by Dean.

Sam sighed and turned to his side, so his back was to Dean's bed, he'd already resigned himself to another sleepless night. At least until Dean stumbled back into their room at the early hours of dawn, reeking of whiskey and flowery perfume. Another town meant a lonely room for Sam, and a nameless girl for Dean. You'd think he'd gotten used to it by now, but he never did.

It wasn't the problem anyway, he wasn't even sure what the problem was anymore.

Yes, he did realize that freeing Lucifer was a fucking mistake. He regretted it with his whole being, he tried everything to show his brother how sorry he was. He left, he came back, he apologized and apologized and _apologized_, and each time Dean would get more angry. Dean had screamed his lungs out, telling Sam that he'd forgiven him for Satan already. Shouting that it didn't matter anymore, that it wasn't important. Big lies about how he wasn't upset about it. And Sam would scream back, disparate and frustrated _Then why are you angry if not about that? Why won't you talk to me? Why won't you spend the night here?_

Dean never answered and this was what their days have become. Arguments, screaming and shouting. Sharp edged words that meant to cut deep and hurt, insults and pains echoing off similar walls in different rooms and new places. Sam didn't remember a time when they hurt each other this much, not emotionally and not physically.

He knew that at least the physical part was his fault. Dean was lying about forgiving him, and perhaps Sam didn't have the right to scream back. But the way Dean's eyes hardened at his apologies and how he dismissed them, denying his anger, was what fueled Sam's own.

He made it all worse when he punched Dean this morning, Dean looked at him for a long time and then left, still not back yet. Sam cannot sleep.

''I'm such an idiot,'' He murmured into the room. And when the light started to pour through the curtains with no sign of Dean, Sam shut his eyes and allowed his tears to flow.

It went like that for another week, one filled with bitter silence or shouting matches. The only difference is that now they started throwing punches.

The sex when it happened, was unexpected. One second they were wrestling and the next they were kissing so desperately one would think they needed it more than breathing. Sam _did_.

He wasn't so sure about Dean.

They went hard and rough, a fight more than an act of love, bites and snarls. Slamming each other against walls or rolling on the ground. It didn't matter who leaned in first, didn't matter who hurt more, just so long as they could hurt together.

Eventually, they stopped talking. The moment they stepped inside a room, one of them jumped the other and they started tearing each other's clothes apart until nothing but the raw feeling of skin on skin remained, until Dean was buried in Sam so deep he could barely breathe. Until they couldn't remember being separate beings.

Sam was losing himself, every time they fucked, a bit of him died, empty and bitter and confused and hurt. Dean didn't care. At one point it wasn't a fight anymore, just Sam allowing his brother to use him and toss him aside whenever he felt like it.

It's been a month, and they haven't shared a single word that counted.

When Sam had no more tears the sky cried in his stead, angry thunder and wild winds and rain so heavy it blocked the sight. A formidable storm, just like the one hitting his soul.

He didn't think he could take it, if Dean got back and touched him tonight. He didn't think he could take it if Dean _didn't_. Something inside of him was breaking, maybe his soul was made of glass, and Sam's denial wasn't as strong a glue as he thought it was.

When he was young and stupid, Sam thought that if he only loved Dean enough, Dean would love him back just as hard. And for a while it worked. Dean never loved him like he wished, but he _loved_ him. Fiercely, with a singular focus and so much devotion. And Sam had tested the boundaries of that love 'till he broke it. Dean wouldn't even look at him now.

When Dean got back he wasn't drunk, just soaked to the bone. The rain didn't let up, so of course there were no bars open in this weather. Dean ignored him, changed his clothes in the bathroom, and laid down on his own bed.

Sam's heart was in his throat, he wanted Dean's touch, craved it. But he wouldn't get it without that devastating blank look on Dean's face.

He still got up and crawled into Dean's bed, at first he laid beside him, when Dean tried to push him away, he stood up and removed his clothes. His moves mechanical as article after article of cloth fell on the ground. He pulled Dean's boxers down, then helped him out of his t-shirt.

Dean didn't fight as Sam straddled his hips. There was no foreplay, no kisses, Sam poured some lube over his fingers and prepped himself, feeling nothing.

He wasn't even hard, Dean wasn't either, but Sam stroked him with lube till he was, lifted himself up and impaled himself on Dean's cock. He started a rhythm, up and down but he wasn't feeling, he just wanted to be close to Dean. Dean was staring at him, features contracted into a pained expression, and Sam couldn't take it anymore.

Tears he thought been long dry fell down, one after the other as his hips stopped moving and his sorrow shock his shoulders. The drops fell on Dean's cheeks and slid down, appearing as if they were his too. Maybe Sam was crying for both of them.

''Sam..'' It was the first time Dean used his name in so long, Sam let out a broken sob at it, leaned down further 'till his hair was falling around his face.

''Why?'' He rasped ''Why won't you love me anymore?'' It was such a childish thing to say, something he didn't ask even when he was little, but he couldn't word it any other way.

''I love you so much, Dean.'' He hiccupped, Dean moved, sat up and supported himself on the headboard, Sam sitting his lap. Sam was a little thrown by the change in position, Dean's face was suddenly so close to his. Brilliant emeralds now glassy, looking at him, seeing him for the first time in forever. Dean cupped his face, the gesture so tender Sam closed his eyes. The feel of Dean's thumps wiping away his tears sending shivers down his spine.

''I love you so much, and I'm so sorry.''

''Don't.'' Dean cut ''Don't apologize about that, I'm not angry about _that_.'' Dean was speaking in a hushed whisper, his breath hot on Sam's chin.

Sam blinked and more tears fell, one of Dean's thumbs swapped on his eye, forcing it momentarily shut.

''The Apocalypse is not your fault alone. It's on me, and Azazel and Lilith and the fucking angels, not you, Sam.''

Sam choked on another sob, and Dean pulled him in so his face was hidden in Dean's neck. Held him close. ''Then why? Why do you hate me so much?''

''God, _never_ hate you Sam.'' Dean gulped ''You chose her over me,''

''Ruby?''

Dean nodded, petting Sam's hair like he used to do when he comforted Sam many years ago, when Sam was little and he'd run crying to Dean. It was strange to think about that with Dean still inside of him, but not bad. Not wrong. Dean was never wrong.

''I was so angry, Sam.''

''I never chose her, Dean. I was doing that to protect you. I was scared Lilith would take you away from me again. I can't be without you again,''

Dean pulled back, framed Sam's face with his hands and locked his gaze with Sam's. ''Tell me again,'' He whispered.

''I love you,'' Sam didn't hesitate, if Dean wanted to hear him say it then he'd repeat it till his tongue fell off. ''I love you,''

Dean closed the space between them, his kiss soft and tender. One that they never shared before. He flipped them over so Sam was on his back and Dean was hovering over him.

''I love you too, Sammy.''

Dean punctuated his claim with a slow thrust, and Sam gasped at the feeling of Dean hardening length inside of him. His dick was getting hard too. Dean leaned in and kissed him, slow and sloppy. Sam sucked on his tongue, moaned at another well aimed thrust of Dean's hips.

Dean kept his rhythm slow, dragging his cock almost all the way out before sliding in again. He planted small kisses everywhere he could reach. On Sam's eyebrows, lids and cheeks, then he connected their lips again and stole Sam's breath away.

Sam was growing desperate, pushing down, meeting each shove of Dean's hips head on, strangled noises leaving his throat, mingled with broken versions of Dean's name.

He lifted his legs up and wrapped them around Dean's waist, same time as he circled Dean's neck with his arms. Pulling him closer. Dean's arms sneaked around him, drew him flush against Dean's chest till Sam felt like he was being molded into his brother.

Dean attached their mouths together, and he kissed Sam through both of their orgasms. They were sticky with sweat and come, but for a long while they didn't let go.

They had another round in the shower, and now they were tangled together on Sam's bed, having soiled Dean's. Dean propped on the pillows and Sam resting his head on Dean's chest, feeling content and whole for the first time in his life. Dean was tracing invisible lines on his arm and shoulder.

''Dean?''

''Mmm?''

Sam bit his bottom lip, suddenly shy about asking. He'd repeated his feelings for Dean what felt like a hunderd times over the past hour, but Dean didn't. And Sam needed to hear it again, needed for Dean to keep reminding him, least he forgot.

''Did you mean it?''

'' 'course I did, Sammy.''

Sam swallowed audibly, and burrowed closer to Dean. ''Say it again? Dean, please. I need you to tell me,'' His voice broke, and the damn tears were already readying themselves to flow. As if Dean would take it back, God _please_ don't let Dean take it back.

Dean's arm around his waist tightened. He took off the ring he always wore, then silently, slid it onto Sam's left ring finger. Sam stared at it for a minute.

''Dean?''

''Words are not my strong suit, Sammy. And I can't promise I won't hurt you, cause I'm an idiot and if the past month was anything it's a prove to that.'' He stopped and then straightened his pose, pulling Sam more snuggly against him ''So, I'm giving you this to remind you, even if I don't say it as much as you do. I love you.''

Sam's eyes teared up for another reason as he watched Dean lift his hand to plant a firm kiss right over the ring.

He closed his eyes and vowed to never let anything come between them again. 

**Author's Note:**

> This one is sappy and self indulgent as fuck and a bit..cringy. I hope you enjoyed it anyway, we all need some out of character sap once in a while.


End file.
